Love as inspiration
It is beautiful, albeit hard, to be in relationship with others because of the opportunities it gives us to (self) heal past fears. Fears of abandonment, loss, grief. Death, partners who chose to leave in unkind ways, the way the universe forces some of us apart.
For a while, I had convinced myself that being alone is best. I would connect with people because we need human connection, but only to a limit. I would build my life and dreams with me primarily at the center and others may flit in and out as they wished, but there would be no expectation or even desire for them to stay.
And for a while there, it worked. It brought me home to myself. It allowed me to build a secure attachment with myself. I can take my home with me anywhere instead of building it in others’ hearts as I had done or sought before. But then I got stuck in the solo polyamorous cycle of yearning for deep meaningful connections while not building lives or future dreams with anyone. Keeping others at arm’s length felt good for a while, focusing on enjoying my own company, not needing anyone.
But where is the inspiration in that. Where is the healing. There is only so much we can push ourselves towards, it is easy to stay within the comforts of self-healing, only exposing ourselves to the edges of our fears and desires, working slowly but surely on certain issues. Being in connection and in relationship with others, that is perhaps where the hardest work is done. And rather than being focused on the fears they bring, what if connection could bring more healing and community. What if love could be a source of inspiration. A space to create and co-create and dream together.
I moved away from monogamy eight years ago and have never looked back. I played with some non-monogamous styles for a while but now relationship anarchy is a significant framework in my life. Whoever dictated that relationships between humans should have a pyramidical view or order, could not have been operating from a place of love. We are taught so early that scarcity drives the world. Scarcity of natural resources has led to imperialist systems, scarcity of money has led to the capitalist drive, scarcity of love has brought down the ability to control the nuclear family units, scarcity of grace has led to the invention of the monotheistic hell, and scarcity of options makes us grasp at whatever we have. These illusions are so ingrained in us, we hardly see them in play, hardly see the power that they have. And that’s how most systems of oppression really work. They create a need, a scarcity, and drive it to the point of dependence, keeping us in a cycle of busy-ness and status quo, stripping away our ability to see alternatives. To see that, should we choose to operate from a place of abundance of resources and love, we would have no need for these dependent cycles of so-called scarcity. We would have options and we would opt out of the structures that exist - which would eventually bring down empire and with it all those who benefit from ongoing oppression and control of others for their benefit.
But what if love is revolutionary? A source of inspiration, a framework for dismantling systems, the most powerful wave of healing and building communities stronger than oppression. What if truly loving ourselves, others, cherishing all, was the most anarchist thing we could do?
I remember being about 14 years young, during one of our religious circle classes where our teacher tried her best to guide a group of rambunctious teenage girls into some order. And during one of the classes the topic of marriage came up, where casually the discussion turned to the religious sanctity of marriage. Mind you, while this was a religious class, it was also fairly standard societal chat, how beautiful it is to be with someone forever and ever, etc. and she said something about one man one woman connections. And I clearly remember saying (although it’s possible I just thought this), so I’m only supposed to love one person for the rest of my life? And she looked at me, and very slowly said… yes. I found it ridiculous then and I find it ridiculous now.
What about my family and my friends and all the wonderful people I haven't met yet. If we can hold space in our hearts for love of family and friends at the same time, then we can also hold space for love of partners next to that. And then their partners and friends and family and on and on in a sphere of expanding love.
The systems that be have convinced us that love is scarce and sacred and should be allocated accordingly so you don't run out. What if it is abundant, limitless within all of us, not sacred but the most natural fiber of everything. Imagine a world with the love that we are truly capable of, not just what we’ve been told is possible. Is love just energy? Is it time or logistics? Or is it more than that. In a bid to place more control on us, tell us who and what and where we should love, we have the standard family unit, and marriage and divorce and contracts, we have queer-phobia, ‘wedlock’, and the hegemonic control of social contracts we are born into but never agreed to. We have even arrived at speciesism of the highest kind, dictating the separation of love for humans and love for other species. Separation. This is what is currently created and reinforced. Isolation, hurt, control, possession, and a false sense of safety in a hierarchy which doesn't make sense, does not enable our growth, healing, and definitely breaks communities rather than build them.
I’ve heard all the arguments against polyamory, but I've never heard any good arguments against love. (Won’t even get into the arguments of controlling the bodies and sexual desires of others, which is what most of the arguments against polyamory are actually about.) When will we enable and support community building based on love rather than fear? On abundance of resources and energy, rather than scarcity of ability? On connection with earth and all beings rather than separation, isolation, and difference? On connection and care rather than control?
This post is not about polyamory or monogamy or relationship anarchy. It is a question of inspiration. What inspires you? Who brings you closer to your dreams and feelings of security in your heart? What kind of systems have we accepted which are, in essence, detrimental to our collective well-being and serve only those already in power? What kind of power are we relinquishing when we abide by social contracts we did not participate in creating? What kind of love are you cultivating today and how is it bringing you safety, grounding, and healing? And how are you giving that love in return? Can you make a little space for seeds of growth outside the normative standards we have been sold? Can we come together in a nurtured space of love based on agreements and freedom? Tell me.
Love is the only thing I believe in. Capital L Love, abundant, whole, expanding, for all beings. It is the saving grace of this life, so let us form our own ways of Loving then.
