Coffee Break: Polysecure by Jessica Fern
Coffee breaks are a moment to learn something new, an offering of a summary of a book which I found thought-provoking. And like all good offerings, it comes with a thought for the wider world. Every coffee break post on this substack comes with the intention to think of our consumption of material goods. Today I’m thinking about the rate at which we are consuming clothing materials, the supply chain, the forced slave labor, and the detrimental effects on the waste produced while creating the clothes but also later when they end up in landfills.
Let’s talk about relationships. What does it mean to be secure in our relationships with others and within ourselves? I read Polysecure by Jessica Fern last year and it made me reflect on the intersections of (western) psychology and relationship styles. What I love most about this book is how approachable it is, regardless of the type of relationship structure you choose to engage in. There is something to learn throughout the book for most people who choose to connect with others and would like to understand what a secure attachment style could look like. Part of the book does focus on non-monogamous relationship styles which I found relatable and honest in its challenges. I also appreciated the way the author highlights the importance of establishing and nourishing a secure relationship with ourselves as an essential component of being in connection with others.
The author goes through the different attachment styles according to classical psychology theories, which include the ways we experienced being in relation to our caretakers as children and the sources of trauma therein. The attachment styles are not static, security can be earned, and are not rigid identities. They are generally:
secure attachment (when attachment needs are met in childhood): “A caretaker being present, safe, protective, playful, emotionally attuned and responsive is of paramount importance to a child developing a secure attachment style.” As adults, the interactions we have with our caretakers influence how we see ourselves and set our expectations of partners’ attunement and availability. When attachment needs are not met in childhood, adults can still move towards secure attachment styles.
avoidant/dismissive attachment style (avoidant in childhood, dismissive in adulthood): with caretakers who are mostly unavailable or neglectful, children learn that in order to survive, “they need to inhibit attachment bids for proximity or protection in order to prevent the pain and confusion or neglect or rejection.” In adulthood, it is partly seen as deactivating and distancing, as a dissociation from lived experience.
anxious/preoccupied style: loving but inconsistent caretakers can encourage the anxious adaptation in childhood. Preoccupied attachment as an adult develops and demonstrates as an intense focus and heightened concern about the level of closeness in the relationship.
disorganized/fearful-avoidant style: commonly associated with trauma, when attachment figure is experienced as scary, threatening, or dangerous. Moving towards and away from the figure at the same time. As adults, vacillate between both dismissive and preoccupied styles.
The author spends a third of the book discussing the details of these styles, their internal and outward manifestations, the influence of boundaries and connection in adult relationships, and how trauma influences it all. It is quite worth reading to understand human relationships in general, regardless of the type of relationship.
“Research shows that in the aftermath of trauma, people who are well-connected with others are more likely to recover faster and less likely to experience post-traumatic stress disorder. Conversely, people with disorganized attachment history are more likely to develop PTSD after traumatic experiences.”
They then discuss the different types of consensual non-monogamous relationships which could be looked at. These include all the different types from monogamy to relationship anarchy and everything in-between, as well as our relationships to ourselves. Each type is explained, for example,
“Relationship anarchists seek to dismantle the social hierarchies dictating how sexual and romantic relationships are prioritized over all other forms of love, and so people who identify as relationship anarchists make less distinction between the importance or value of their lovers over their friends or other people in their life, and they do not only reserve intimacy or romance for the people they have sex with.”
The author then focuses on secure relationships within the polyamorous sphere. “When secure functioning is at play within CNM relationships, partners communicate well, trust each other, stick to their agreements and discuss wanted changes. They tend to have more compersion for their partners, they act respectfully towards their metamours and while they still do experience jealousy or envy, they are also able to support each other in the process.”
The takeaway message the author tries to highlight is that the direct experience we have with a partner can be the vehicle to secure attachment, rather than trying to rely only on the relationship structure, concept, or narrative, to provide that security.
If the partners agree to form an attachment (not necessarily always the case), then the broad strokes for it being a secure attachment are: being a safe haven for each other and/or being a secure base for each other.
A safe haven is when we care about each other’s safety, our partner seeks to respond to our distress, helps us to co-regulate and soothe, and are a source of emotional and physical support and comfort. It is about accepting and being with me as I am.
A secure base functions as a compassionate mirror for our blind spots and all the ways we may be fooling ourselves, whether through self-aggrandizement or self-limitation. It is about supporting me to grow beyond who I am.
The author provides a nice little recipe for cultivating ‘HEARTS’: the different ingredients, skills, capacities, and ways of being required for secure functioning in multiple attachment-based partnerships. We cultivate these with our partner(s) and with ourselves. The idea is to work through each phase consciously and actively, together and separately.
“Being polysecure is having secure attachment with yourself and your multiple partners. Polysecure people are functioning securely both interpersonally and intrapersonally.”
What I really enjoyed about this book is the combination of theoretical information about the different attachment styles and different ways of being in relation to others, alongside the practical questions and reflection exercises. There is also so little information about security within multiple partnerships that the practical guidance on HEARTS exercise is very tangible and useful. I also loved the emphasis on developing a safe haven and secure base within yourself, not as a prerequisite to attaching with others but as an important process in itself. Apparently it takes about two years for a securely attached romantic relationship to solidify - so no shortcuts here.
Has this book provoked any interesting thoughts on your connections to others?