Coffee Break: A Guide to the Good Life by William Irvine
Coffee breaks are a moment to share some reflections from my favorite books, something like a summary of the main interesting points in case you are not able to read the entire book. Usually it means I found the book great but will reflect on only some aspects of it here to keep it focused and brief. Coffee breaks are also a reminder to consider our coffee - and tea, and cashews, and all our favorite consumables - and it’s potentially exploitative labor practices. Let’s do better by choosing better if we can.
My first romantic relationship started when I was 24 years, which, beyond the relationship, led to a special sisterhood with his best friend. Notwithstanding the ups and downs of the romantic relationship, the sisterhood lasted and deepened for many years until we started to grow apart. It was difficult to acknowledge what was happening and after trying for a year or two, it came to an end somewhat abruptly. As a society we unfortunately don’t talk enough about the grief of lost friendships and breakups. In the hierarchical relationship systems which are normalized in many societies, friendships take a back seat to romantic connections and their drifting apart is expected to go down easy. How do we process that kind of grief?
This friend taught me a lot about shrugging off the world while still deeply caring about the systemic injustices of it. When something would go wrong, she would say: so what. Not in a dismissive way, but rather to put it in perspective. Not surprisingly, the thing I remember the most about the partner, her closest friend, was how he would say: we’ve died worse deaths. It would help me put many moments into perspective against previous real grievances I experienced in my life but also against the reality of the world in general.
I never told her this, but she reminded me a lot of my mother. Not in any obvious way, but rather in their brutal ability to push through the harshness of the world and keep going. Defiantly, in its face, just to prove the world wrong. After my mother passed away, I read a lot of books instead of going to therapy. I tried to therapy myself, maybe it worked. At some point I left a chaotic city and moved to a small coastal town for a life break. I would float in the calm clear sea and close my eyes, feeling the gentle rock of the waves. I would sit at sunset with my coffee and book, craving for the universe to be gentle for just a bit. I am still using books to process my life, to self-heal.
The truth is, life is relatively difficult for most people. If it’s going swimmingly for you, you probably need to check some privileges, and in all cases it hits everyone one way or another. One of the books I read during that time of active processing of grief was A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William Irvine.
Stoicism does not often illicit thoughts of joyful ancient philosophers holding hands and singing kumbaya. Perhaps that’s because the current obsession with joy conflates it with a buoyant careless happiness. The premise of stoicism is that we are able to control our inner levels of calm and reactions to the external world, thereby finding a measure of peace equivalent to joy. Many years after first reading it, I still find this book (and Stoic philosophy in general) relevant in its practicality and its wisdom.
The book covers many aspects of the philosophy, from its history, to advice on dealing with different emotional states, and how to apply it in our modern lives. I find it to be worth a read in its entirety because it might not be the most straightforward philosophy to understand from the brief points below. But there is one section of Stoic psychological techniques in the book which stuck with me; here are the five which the author shares, in case you also find them relevant to your life.
Negative visualization: this technique is about contemplating the worst that can happen, in order to lessen its impact on us when, despite our efforts, an unwanted event does happen. The idea is that if we pretend that the things we value will stay with us forever, then we will be put out when they’re gone. This technique also helps to address the phenomenon of hedonic adaptation – namely that we quickly lose interest in and take for granted things which we worked hard for or dreamed of and achieved. This could be with things we win, purchase, consume, or in our relationships with others. How do we want/find happiness in the things we already have? Negative visualization works by imagining that we have lost the things/people we value, including our own abilities, both basic and unique.
‘While enjoying the companionship of loved ones, then, we should periodically stop to reflect on the possibility that this enjoyment will come to an end. If nothing else, our own death will end it.’
Contemplating losing our loved ones helps us to not take their presence for granted. Some Stoics, namely Seneca, took this to its end and also advised living each day as if it is our own last. This advice was not given so that we can change our actions necessarily and live more hedonistically, but rather to change our state of mind as we carry out our regular activities, to be able to see how significant it is that we are alive and are able to do anything at all. Negative visualization is not, surprisingly, a pessimistic technique. Indeed, it works to help us regain our appreciation of what we have, no matter how little it may be. And this could help us revitalize our capacity for joy. The importance is to contemplate, consciously, as a mental exercise, periodically. It is not meant to be an exercise in worrying about worst case scenarios all the time. Negative visualization also helps us to prepare for the changes of the world. So at the same time we are learning to appreciate the world, we are also learning not to cling on to it.
The dichotomy of control: there is a contradiction between yearning for a certain desire and being happy while not having it. Epictetus, one of the essential Stoics, explains that while most people seek to gain contentment by changing the world around them, a better way would be to change ourselves and our desires. This technique can be difficult to wrap our heads around in a world which endorses so much self-development, achievement-drive, and consumerism. The Stoics advise that a better strategy for getting what we want would be to make it our goal to want only those things which are easy to obtain and ideally to want only those things which we can be certain of obtaining. It comes down to the idea that it is easier to change ourselves than the world around us. The dichotomy here is that there are some things over which we have complete control and other things over which we don’t have complete control. The latter can be further divided into things over which we have no control at all and things over which we have some but not complete control. Their advice is to let go of trying to control those things which we have no control over at all. This exercise is not a call to become a passive and dis-engaged person. It is rather a call to be careful in setting internal rather than external goals, especially in the realm of things we only somewhat control, in order to help preserve our tranquility. The author provides many examples in this section worth looking at, such as setting our values and opinions about things rather than their outcomes. And so the focus could be on doing our best to bring about certain changes in the world, rather than changing the world, which is a subtle but interesting difference.
‘Fear of failure is a psychological trait, so it is hardly surprising that by altering our psychological attitude toward failure (by carefully choosing our goals), we can affect the degree to which we fear it.’
Fatalism: amor fati. To love our fate as it has happened. In case you believe in destiny, as the ancient Stoics did, this might be easier to swallow. The author helps the rest of us along by explaining the difference between fatalism in regards to past, present, and future events. Resignation to future fatalism again could lead to a passive life which the Stoics did not endorse. The idea they proposed instead was, rather than wanting events to conform to our desires, to make our desires conform to the events as they happen. The future, we already discussed in the technique above of the dichotomy of control. However, in terms of past and present (this very moment) events, they counsel that we must find a way to persuade ourselves that whatever happened and is happening to us is for the best.
‘We can spend our days wishing our circumstances were different, but if we allow ourselves to do this, we will spend our days in a state of dissatisfaction. Alternatively, if we learn to want whatever it is we already have, we wont have to work to fulfill our desires in order to gain satisfaction; they will already have been fulfilled.’
They also endorse living in the very moment of life as this is all we have, and to accept it as it is unfolding. This is very similar to the Buddhist ideas of acceptance and presence. This technique of fatalism could be considered the mirror opposite of the first one above of negative visualization - instead of thinking about how something could be worse, we refuse to think about how it could be better, leading to a more tolerable current situation.
Self-denial: this might sound masochistic to some, but let’s hear them out. The idea here is to expose ourselves to minor discomforts, not by inflicting pain on ourselves, but by occasionally living as if certain things did happen. For example, through negative visualization, we can mentally envision ourselves living in poverty. Through self-denial, we can welcome a certain degree of discomfort by walking barefoot, or allowing some hunger to continue before addressing it, if we are privileged enough to address those issues. In their view, voluntary discomfort provides three things: first, it can help harden us against misfortunes that might come in the future. Second, it can help us grow in confidence in our abilities at withstanding major discomforts (as well as the minor one we are welcoming in the present). It is practicing courage and self-control. Third, it helps us appreciate what we already have. Trying to avoid all discomforts makes us more anxious about hardships and our capacity to handle them when they do arise. Stoicism emerged from its predecessor Cynicism, and here we can see that bloodline, namely that pleasure has a dark side, often making us it’s slave rather than us its master. So their counsel in this regard is to voluntarily pass the opportunities at certain pleasures and expose ourselves to some measures of discomfort periodically, in order to attain more courage, self-control, and ultimately increase our chances of living a good life. It is, in a way, also a push to simplify our life and constant seeking of pleasure.
Meditation: this is not in line with the maybe more commonly heard-of Buddhist ideas of meditation. The Stoics advised on an active bedtime meditation to take stock of each day, more as a reflective exercise. It’s an opportunity to look at our daily life as a spectator with the values of a Stoic and consider the value of whatever it was that we were trying to accomplish. We could ask ourselves what disrupted our tranquility today and if there is something we could have done to avoid being upset or angry. What Stoic practices could we have improved on today? Did we practice some of the psychological techniques recommended? Did we take time to internalize our goals rather than focus on those which are out of our control? The idea is that Stoicism is very much a practice; it is a process which can be reflected on and tweaked as needed.
It is important to note that Stoics did not endorse a complacent life however they did find it foolish to strive for material wealth and fame as those things did not have real value to them. Rather, they did endorse a focus on becoming better people and to even enjoy the advantages which life brings whatever they may be. Another great book is Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. As mentioned, Stoicism is an ancient philosophy which needs to be taken with a critical eye, as it may not be fully relevant in all its aspects today. However, I do still turn to these practices fairly often as psychological support tools. Do you find them helpful? Strange? Share your practices, I would love to keep learning.